Managing Social Anxiety
Social situations can be difficult when anxiety has convinced you that something might go wrong and hidden habits are holding you back.
You might rehearse what you are going to say before speaking. Keep your phone in your hand so you have something to look at. Stay close to somebody you know. Avoid eye contact. Leave early. Then, once you get home, replay the conversation and wonder whether you said something stupid.
None of these behaviours necessarily looks significant on its own.
Taken together, though, they can become part of a cycle that keeps social anxiety going.
A recent BBC report has highlighted some of the less obvious habits associated with social anxiety, including avoiding situations, relying on “safety behaviours”, focusing intensely on how you appear to other people and repeatedly going over social encounters afterwards.
For somebody experiencing social anxiety, recognising these patterns can be an important first step.
Social anxiety is more than feeling shy
Most people feel uncomfortable in certain social situations.
Meeting strangers, speaking in front of a group, attending an unfamiliar event or walking into a room where you do not know anybody can all produce nervousness. Feeling anxious does not automatically mean that something is wrong.
Social anxiety becomes more significant when the fear starts to affect what you do.
The NHS describes social anxiety as an overwhelming fear of social situations that can affect everyday activities, confidence, relationships, work and education. People may worry before, during and after social encounters, or begin avoiding them altogether.
That difference matters.
Being nervous about giving a presentation is one thing. Turning down opportunities because you are convinced everyone will judge you is another.
The habits that can quietly keep anxiety alive
One of the difficulties with social anxiety is that the behaviours used to cope with it can provide immediate relief.
You avoid the party and feel better.
You let somebody else answer the question and your anxiety drops.
You spend twenty minutes preparing exactly what you are going to say and feel more in control.
The problem is that your brain may learn an unintended lesson: “I was only safe because I avoided it.”
Over time, that can make the next situation feel even more threatening.
Avoiding situations that make you uncomfortable
Avoidance is understandable.
If something repeatedly produces embarrassment, fear or physical anxiety, staying away can feel like the sensible option.
Yet avoiding social situations means you lose opportunities to discover what might actually happen.
You may never find out that the meeting was less intimidating than expected, that people were not paying nearly as much attention to you as you imagined, or that a slightly awkward conversation did not have any lasting consequences.
Breaking this pattern does not mean forcing yourself into the most frightening situation imaginable.
A smaller step can be more useful.
Perhaps it means saying hello rather than having a long conversation. Attending for twenty minutes rather than staying for the whole evening. Asking one question rather than remaining silent throughout a meeting.
Progress does not have to look dramatic to be meaningful.
Using your phone as an escape route
A phone can be useful when you are feeling uncomfortable.
Looking at the screen gives you somewhere to direct your attention. It can also provide an easy reason not to make eye contact or speak to somebody nearby.
The difficulty comes when the phone becomes a form of protection.
The BBC report identifies using a phone to avoid interaction as one example of a “safety behaviour” associated with social anxiety.
Try noticing what happens next time you reach for it in an uncomfortable situation.
Are you genuinely checking something?
Or are you using the screen to make the situation feel safer?
That small distinction can tell you something important about the habit.
Rehearsing everything before you say it
Preparing for an important conversation can be helpful.
Social anxiety can take preparation much further.
You might mentally construct the perfect sentence, predict every possible response and practise what you will say before you have even entered the room.
Unfortunately, this can create another problem.
If the conversation does not follow the script, you may feel that you have lost control.
Real conversations are unpredictable. People interrupt. They misunderstand each other. Somebody makes a joke that falls flat. There can be pauses.
None of this means that the interaction has failed.
Learning to tolerate a little uncertainty can therefore be more useful than trying to eliminate every possible mistake beforehand.
What about constantly monitoring yourself?
One of the most interesting points in the BBC report comes from psychologist Professor David Clark, who describes the tendency for people with social anxiety to monitor themselves closely during social situations.
Am I blushing?
Do I sound nervous?
Do I look awkward?
Was that answer stupid?
That internal commentary can become so loud that there is very little attention left for the actual conversation.
Imagine trying to have a conversation while simultaneously watching yourself having it.
It would be exhausting.
A useful alternative is to deliberately move your attention outward.
Listen to what the other person is saying.
Notice something about your surroundings.
Become curious about the conversation rather than evaluating your own performance.
You are not trying to prove that you are confident.
You are simply giving your attention somewhere other than the internal critic.
The conversation doesn’t necessarily end when you leave
For some people, the hardest part comes afterwards.
You get home and start reviewing everything that happened.
Why did I say that?
They looked away when I was talking.
I should have answered differently.
They probably thought I was boring.
Maybe they could tell I was anxious.
This is known as post-event rumination, and it can make an ordinary interaction appear far more negative than it actually was.
Memory is not a video recording. When anxiety is involved, we can become particularly selective about moments that seem to confirm our fears.
Try asking a different question.
“What evidence do I actually have that it went badly?”
You may discover that the evidence is surprisingly thin.
Perhaps somebody looked away because they were distracted. Maybe there was a pause because neither person knew what to say next. It is entirely possible that the moment you have been analysing for half an hour barely registered with the other person.
Breaking the cycle does not mean becoming confident overnight
This is perhaps the most reassuring part of the story.
You do not have to transform yourself into the most outgoing person in the room.
You do not need to become somebody who loves parties, enjoys public speaking or can walk into any gathering without feeling nervous.
The aim is not necessarily to remove anxiety.
It is to stop anxiety making all the decisions.
That might mean staying in a conversation for another minute.
Putting your phone away.
Allowing yourself to speak without rehearsing the sentence first.
Going somewhere you would normally avoid.
Or noticing the urge to replay an interaction and choosing to let it go.
Small changes can gradually provide different experiences for your brain to learn from.
When social anxiety is affecting your life
If anxiety is stopping you from making friends, attending college or university, applying for jobs, speaking to colleagues, going out, forming relationships or doing things you would otherwise like to do, it is worth taking seriously.
You do not have to wait until things become overwhelming before seeking support.
The NHS recommends several approaches for social anxiety, including CBT, guided self-help and other forms of support. It also suggests breaking difficult situations into smaller steps and focusing on what other people are actually saying rather than automatically assuming the worst.
Talking to a counsellor can also provide somewhere to explore what sits underneath the anxiety.
That might include fear of rejection, previous experiences of embarrassment, low self-esteem, perfectionism or a deeply held belief that other people are judging you.
Understanding those patterns can be very different from simply telling yourself to “be more confident”.
You are not your anxiety
Perhaps the most important message is that social anxiety is not evidence of a personality defect.
The BBC report describes how people can internalise their difficulties and start believing that something is fundamentally wrong with them.
That can be a particularly painful part of the experience.
Feeling anxious around people does not mean you are boring, unlikable, weak or incapable of forming relationships.
It means that something is happening when you enter certain social situations.
And patterns can change.
The first step may simply be noticing one of the habits that has been helping you cope – and asking whether it is still helping.
You don’t have to change everything at once.
Sometimes, understanding what your anxiety is trying to protect you from is where change begins.
Read the BBC report
This article was prompted by the BBC report “Hidden habits that make your social anxiety worse – and how to break them”, published on 30 September 2026.
If social anxiety is affecting your everyday life, you don’t have to work through it alone. Talking things through with a counsellor can be a useful place to begin.