I’m certainly not going to criticise anyone who is feeling a sense of disappointment right now – anyone who had their year planned out could be feeling angry and let down. For those who subscribed to the ‘go with the flow’ routine, their trust in time may well have diminished.
It is easy to lose yourself in negativity; every plan of every kind has been turned on its head. There have been some positives – time off has allowed family time, baking and new hobbies but they could feel like empty gestures, particularly if loved ones have passed away or jobs have been lost.
Disappointment is subjective – how one person feels will be different to another. This is due to resilience. Some people will be hardened to disappointment, for others it will be more difficult to cope with. Some people are naturally more positive, whilst others see the world more negatively.
It’s easy to feel knocked back
The problem comes after a state of disappointment when a person has to pick up the pieces and continue with their life. Rather than facing the possibility of another let-down, aspiration is sometimes set below where it was – or should be, reducing the expectation and preventing the same level of disappointment. This could be considered as self preservation – a fall arrest, a means of reducing the inevitable. What it actually achieves, is a reduced sense of motivation, application and purpose. Whilst this mitigates the risk, it also reduces the opportunity for fulfillment. It works in the opposite way too; when the bar is set too high, the ability to reach expectation is reduced and a path to failure is created.
Which ever way you lean can be traced back to your parents. For those who have a realistic grasp of failure – and how to manage it, the likelihood is that their parents didn’t set an expectation of perfection. Equally the outlook on disappointment will have been grounded and realistic. This balance will have fostered the development of mind, that whilst setbacks are inevitable, they can be overcome with constructive reflection and resilience.
It is too easy, when faced with disappointment to attribute the feelings to negative life events and personal setbacks. This leads to shame, self-blame and humiliation. Such negative feelings become self-destructive with a belief in the script, which will suggest the emotions – and outcomes are well deserved. In this circumstance, when looking at other people’s achievements, such feeling could turn to anger and bitterness.
Change requires a different way of thinking
If not dealt with positively, disappointment can develop into a lingering sadness – and this where other emotional issues such as apathy, anxiety and depression evolve. Unpleasant as a disappointment may be, there is always something to learn from it. Which is why it is vital to change the frame of reference.
Let’s take the current situation of redundancies and job losses; at the start of the year they were neither predictable or largely preventable, so whilst disappointing, they were out of many peoples’ control. It is important to differentiate between situations that fall within our control and those that don’t. Recognising the difference will help manage the frustration – whilst understanding that we don’t need to take ownership of the long-term feeling.
If you do perceive that disappointment occurs on regular basis there are questions you need to ask yourself:
- – Do I really know what to expect from other people, or myself?
- – Am I listening to what other people are telling me?
- – Could I have changed the outcome by doing something different?
- – Was my communication or personality clear?
- – What support do I have available?
It is only natural to ruminate when dealing with disappointment. The unconscious may want to hold the negative feeling, which is why it is important to challenge the script. By doing so you are able to to look objectively at the situation and make use of what insight it may provide, so that when you are faced with disappointment again, you are far better prepared.
Counselling can help you understand
If you are working through a challenging circumstance, talking to a counsellor will help you understand and compartmentalise your thoughts, feelings and emotions. At Active Listening Therapies in Newark, Louise and Duncan understand that everyone has different needs which is why each and every client has a personal response to their situation, whether they need counselling over the phone, video call, or face-to-face.
For a consultation to discuss your emotional and mental well-being, you can reach us directly on the following numbers:
Louise – 07568 390402 or Duncan – 07759 948001
Alternatively, you can fill out the contact form at www.activelisteningtherapies.com