Resilience – What does that mean for young people?
Are Young People Losing the Ability to Be Resilient?
As we return to schools, it is a question worth asking: are young people finding it harder to cope with the things life inevitably brings? And, if so, what might be contributing to that?
There is something about the beginning of a new school year that brings this question into focus.
The corridors fill again. New friendships begin. Old worries return. Some young people arrive ready to get on with things, while others are already thinking about what might go wrong.
Perhaps they are worried about a new teacher. Maybe it is the pressure of exams, a friendship that has changed, or simply the thought of having to do something they have not done before.
As counsellors working in schools, Louise and I see how differently young people respond to these moments.
Some will have a wobble, talk it through and find their way forward.
Others may feel overwhelmed by the same experience.
So, are young people losing the ability to be resilient?
Or are we asking a more complicated question about the world they are growing up in?
What do we actually mean by resilience?
Resilience is often described as the ability to bounce back.
However, that can make it sound rather like a personal superpower. You either have it or you do not.
In reality, resilience is much more complicated.
It develops through experience, relationships and opportunities to manage difficulty.
It can strengthen over time, but it can also be affected by what is happening around us.
A young person who has supportive relationships, feels safe and has opportunities to make mistakes may have a very different experience of adversity from someone who is already carrying anxiety, family difficulties or pressure from school.
That matters because resilience is not the same as being unaffected by difficult things.
A young person can be upset and still be resilient.
They can need help and still be resilient.
They can struggle today and discover that they can manage something tomorrow.
The question, then, is not simply whether young people are becoming less resilient.
It is whether they are being given the right conditions to develop it.
Have things changed for young people?
There is evidence that young people’s mental health has changed over recent years.
Research following more than 7,000 UK secondary school students found that the pandemic was associated with increased mental health difficulties and reduced well-being. It also found that resilience was connected to individual, family, friendship and school factors.
That does not mean the pandemic explains everything.
Young people were already growing up in a changing world. However, it does remind us that the ability to cope is not separate from what is happening around them.
For some, the return to school was a welcome return to routine and friendship. For others, it meant returning to situations they had found difficult before.
Perhaps that is one reason why the question of resilience feels particularly relevant as we begin another school year.
Are we protecting young people from too much?
This is where the conversation becomes interesting.
Of course, we want young people to feel safe. We want them to know that adults will listen and that support is available when something is difficult.
Yet there is a difference between supporting a young person through something and removing every opportunity for them to experience difficulty.
If a young person is worried about making a mistake, we might be tempted to reassure them immediately.
If they are struggling with a friendship, we might want to solve it for them.
If they are anxious about an exam, we might focus entirely on making the anxiety disappear.
Sometimes, that is exactly what is needed.
At other times, the more helpful response may be to stay alongside them while they discover that they can tolerate the feeling.
Not because the feeling is pleasant, or because they should simply get on with it.
But because learning that we can experience discomfort without being overwhelmed is part of developing resilience.
That is a very different message from telling a young person to toughen up.
What might be contributing to the difficulties we see?
There is unlikely to be one simple explanation. Instead, several things may be happening at once.
The pressure to get things right
For some young people, school can feel like a place where mistakes carry considerable weight.
Exams, assessments, expectations and comparisons can create a sense that there is always something to get right.
Research into education and young people’s mental health has highlighted how school cultures, timetables and exam pressures can contribute to stress, while also recognising the protective role schools can play.
When a young person begins to believe that making a mistake means they have failed, avoiding the situation may feel safer than attempting it.
The influence of social media
Young people are also growing up in a world where friendship, comparison and communication can continue long after the school day has ended.
A difficult interaction does not necessarily finish when the school gates close. A friendship problem can follow someone home.
Recent UK research into social media restrictions found that some young people experienced better sleep, concentration and reduced stress when their use was limited. Others described feeling disconnected from friendships and everyday social exchanges.
That suggests the issue is not simply that social media is “bad”.
Rather, the way young people use it, and the role it plays in their lives, may affect how they experience stress, connection and recovery.
The fear of getting it wrong
There is also the possibility that some young people are becoming increasingly cautious about situations where they might feel embarrassed, judged or unsuccessful.
Perhaps they have experienced criticism. Maybe they have seen others being criticised online.
They may have learned that avoiding something is easier than risking the discomfort of trying.
Yet, if we never have the opportunity to experience a manageable mistake, how do we learn that we can recover from one?
That is not an argument for deliberately putting young people in difficult situations.
It is an argument for recognising that small, supported experiences of difficulty can be valuable.
The pressure to feel better
Have we, at times, become so focused on helping young people feel better that we have forgotten to help them understand what they are feeling?
Anxiety is uncomfortable.
Disappointment is uncomfortable.
Frustration is uncomfortable.
But discomfort is not always a sign that something is wrong.
Sometimes, it is a sign that something matters.
A young person who is learning to tolerate disappointment may not need the disappointment removed. They may need someone to help them make sense of it.
What does this mean for schools?
Schools are not simply places where young people learn academic subjects.
They are also places where they learn how to manage relationships, solve problems, cope with uncertainty and discover what they are capable of.
The Department for Education’s whole-school approach to mental health and well-being includes developing social and emotional skills, supporting staff, listening to student voice and working with parents and carers.
That is a useful reminder that resilience is not something we can simply ask a young person to develop on their own.
It is influenced by the environment around them.
So, perhaps the question for schools is not:
“How do we make young people more resilient?”
Perhaps it is:
“How do we create opportunities for young people to experience challenge, receive support and discover that they can manage?”
That might mean allowing a young person to have a difficult conversation rather than immediately stepping in.
It might mean helping them prepare for an exam without promising that everything will be fine.
It might mean encouraging them to try something new, while making it clear that they do not have to get it right first time.
And, sometimes, it might mean recognising that a young person needs more support before they are ready to take that next step.
What can we do as adults?
Perhaps one of the most helpful things we can do is to become a little more comfortable with the idea that young people will sometimes struggle.
Not because we want them to struggle.
But because struggle, when it is manageable and supported, can become part of learning.
We can listen without immediately trying to fix.
We can acknowledge that something is difficult without suggesting that it is impossible.
We can help a young person think about what they have managed before.
We can encourage them to take a small step rather than expecting them to overcome everything at once.
And we can remind them that asking for help is not a failure.
It is often part of resilience.
Perhaps the question is not whether young people are losing resilience
As we return to schools, I think this is a question worth holding with curiosity rather than judgement.
Young people are growing up in a world that can be demanding, uncertain and, at times, overwhelming.
They are also growing up in a world where they have opportunities to learn, connect and develop in ways that previous generations did not.
So, rather than asking whether young people are losing the ability to be resilient, perhaps we should ask:
Are we giving them enough opportunities to discover that they can cope?
And, just as importantly:
Are we making sure they have the support they need when coping becomes difficult?
Because resilience is not about never needing help.
It is about developing the confidence, skills and relationships that help us find our way through difficult things.
And sometimes, the most resilient thing a young person can do is to say:
“I am finding this difficult. Can you help me?”
A final thought
Perhaps the goal is not to raise young people who never struggle.
Perhaps it is to help them become young people who know that struggle is part of life, that they can learn from it, and that they do not have to face it alone.
That feels like a much more useful place to begin.
Talk to us…
If you would like to talk about how resilience might be affecting your family, or to book a young person in for a exploration chat, click on the link below:
