It’s time to stop holding in emotion

How do you answer when someone asks, “How are you?” You have, more than likely been asked this question because someone close to you has noticed that you are not looking yourself. You may be feeling concerned, anxious, guilty or just plain empty of emotion. Yet, in this instance, the mostly likely answer is “fine, thanks.” The irony is, nothing could be further from the truth, it’s a lie to the person who asked, and it’s a lie to yourself.

Here’s the rub. It’s not that you want to lie, you just don’t want to share – or more likely don’t understand how you are feeling. It’s much easier to divert attention away, than explain your emotions, particularly if you don’t want to face the inner thoughts yourself.

Let’s be clear at this point, not wanting to discuss how you are feeling with other people is not wrong; it’s a deeply personal thing, and the time or place may not be right. Or simply, you might not be in the right frame of mind to have that conversation.

It is important to consider whether or not you are hiding your emotions. You could be suppressing how you feel as a coping mechanism. The question needs to be asked why are you doing this, what are you avoiding and how long has this been happening? You might have a lot going on in your professional life, so allowing personal hurt and pain to impact a busy schedule could create more difficulties. So, ignoring the problem could be a short-term strategy for balance, but it is far from being a long-term solution.

You may be surprised to hear; you could have been supressing your emotions for some time. It can begin in childhood because of a variety of factors. Perhaps due to environment, parental style, or circumstance. Children are conditioned to act in a manner appropriate to the family outlook, but may have been shamed when sharing their feelings. This is the first stage to holding emotion in.

Social media, broadcast and print portray an image of perfection and vary rarely – other than Corrie or Enders’ do we see any kind of emotion. The soaps often over-emphasise emotion, catastrophising outcomes which can be awkward – and a good reason why you wouldn’t want to share emotion yourself.

Children – and indeed adults who experience trauma, grief and loss or disappointment are likely to supress their emotions and feelings as a mechanism to get through the day, however, holding back on sharing feelings can make a person appear aloof, or unwilling to participate in the given situation. This can lead to confrontation and alienation.

Everyone has their own reasons for keeping their feelings internalised. Often, this can be attributed to four key reasons:

– Anger
– Sadness & Grief
– Fear
– Guilt

Trying to force someone to share their feelings when they either don’t want to, or are unable to, only leads to anger and frustration for both parties. An appreciation why a person doesn’t want to share, combined with a pinch of empathy will go a long way to – beginning – to understand the situation. For the person trying to make sense of their feelings, putting a name to the emotion is a start, as not being comfortable or aware prohibits any ability to communicate.

If you are still unsure whether or not you supress emotions, there are a few signs to look out for.

– Relationships are difficult to maintain
– You fear being alone with your thoughts
– Anxiety and nervousness is prevalent
– Your friends, family and colleagues’ comment on your emotional detachment
– Saying no, or difficulty maintaining boundaries
– Your response is zero to 100 in a short space of time

There are many routes forward if you have realised that you are holding your in emotions, suggestions include journalling or writing your feelings down (this is an excellent method of externalising what you might be holding on to), exercise (this helps to reduce pent-up feelings, and is a great opportunity to mix with other people), self-awareness (regularly check-in with yourself and ask yourself “what am I feeling right now?”) and talking. Talking sounds simple but can be a real test of comfortability. Friends and acquaintances must be open minded and empathic, remembering to keep their views to a minimum, otherwise it can feel dismissive. Counselling offers the perfect environment to talk, explore and learn, without a fear of being judged, dictated to shamed.

At Active Listening Therapies in Newark, you will find a safe, comfortable, and empathic counselling environment to understand the position you are in. We will work with you at your pace to find a level of acceptance that you are comfortable with. Whether you would prefer to work with Louise or Duncan, you will be safe in the knowledge you are working with counsellors trained and accredited to a high standard.

As a close, it is worth remembering that you are far from being the finished item; your experience of life will change your thoughts and views, sometimes to the point of polarised ways of thinking. This can be a challenge – and challenge, sometimes, can be awkward to reflect. So the next time someone asks how you are feeling, be kind to yourself.

To contact Louise or Duncan click here.